1 Востаннє редагувалося alex6 (20.08.2012 20:02:11)

Тема: Жарти англійською

Topic for English jokes.

http://orkutluv.com/images/Cartoon%20Jokes%20(144).jpg

Stay Hungry Stay Reckless
Подякували: yooll, Replace2

2

Re: Жарти англійською

Группа российских туристов приезжает в англоязычную страну. Гид
их предупреждает:
- Будьте осторожны, ни в коем случае не отбивайтесь от группы.
Здесь кругом сутенеры. Но если все-таки отбились,
тут же требуйте российского консула.
Один мужик все-таки потерялся. Тут же к нему подбегает какой-то человек:
- Do you want a white woman?
- No, no! - кричит мужик.
- Do you want a black woman?
- No!
- Do you want a man?!
- No!!!
- Do you want an animal?!!
- NO!!! I WANT RUSSIAN COUNCIL!
- Possible, but very expensive...

Світ врятують краса та масові розстріли
Лепей жывы сабака, чымся здохлы леў
Хто до нас із томагавком прийде, той од томагавка і томагавкнеться
Подякували: roma2341, Andrew_Davis2

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Re: Жарти англійською

A chicken walks into a library,
walks up to the counter and says to the librarian
“Book, book”. The librarian gives the chicken two
books – she puts the books on the chicken’s head
– and the chicken walks out of the library.
One hour later, the chicken walks back into the
library. It walks up to the counter and says to the
librarian “Book, book”. The librarian gives the
chicken two books and the chicken walks out of
the library.
An hour later, this happens again. “Book, book”,
and the chicken walks out of the library with two
books on its head. But this time the librarian
thinks, “Hmm, this is strange” so she decides to
follow the chicken. She goes out of the library and
follows the chicken. The chicken crosses the
road, walks along the street, turns the corner, until
it comes to the lake. Sitting by the lake is a big, fat
frog. The chicken gives the books to the frog and
the frog looks at them and says “Read it, Read it”

4

Re: Жарти англійською

Цікаві айтишно-наукові карикатури англійською
http://xkcd.com/

Світ врятують краса та масові розстріли
Лепей жывы сабака, чымся здохлы леў
Хто до нас із томагавком прийде, той од томагавка і томагавкнеться

5

Re: Жарти англійською

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude (пациент пожал руку доктора с благодарностью /to shake-shook-shaken - трясти/) and said (и сказал), "Since we are the best of friends (так как мы лучшие друзья), I would not insult you by offering payment (я не буду обижать вас, предлагая плату). But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will (но я хочу, чтобы вы знали, что я упомянул вас в своем завещании)."
"That is very kind of you (это очень мило с вашей стороны)," said the doctor emotionally (взволнованно, растроганным голосом), and then added (добавил), "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? (можно я посмотрю тот рецепт, что я вам дал только что) I'd like to make a little change... (я бы хотел сделать небольшое изменение)"

Подякували: d4rkc10ud, Replace, Blast3

6

Re: Жарти англійською

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Подякували: Replace, Vo_Vik, d4rkc10ud, Torbins4

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Re: Жарти англійською

http://www.megaleecher.net/uploads/computer_password.jpg

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Re: Жарти англійською

Devil: I'll grant you any three wishes. Just remember, you'll be going to Hell afterwards.
Gamer: Alright. One. IDDQD. Two. IDKFA.
Devil: And the third?
Gamer: What third? Come on, send me to Hell already. It's ass kicking time
P.S.
Old-school gamers will understand this joke.

Бодай вас Бог любив, а мене – молодиці!
Подякували: Replace, roma2341, /KIT\3

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Re: Жарти англійською

Devil: OK, Nightmare mode...

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Re: Жарти англійською

The x86 Prayer

Our Caller, who art on the stack frame
Hallowed be thy Parameters
Thy Address Space come
Thy I/O be done
In Registers, as it is in Memory
Give us this day our periodic timeslices
And forgive us our page faults
As we forgive those who pass invalid parameters
Lead us not to unconditional JMPs
But deliver us from segment registers
For thine is the Address Space, the Registers, and the I/O ports
Jmp $
Ret

Хто хоче жити, той повинен боротися, а хто не захоче чинити опір у цьому світі вічної боротьби — той не заслуговує права на життя.

11

Re: Жарти англійською

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

Подякували: Torbins1

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Re: Жарти англійською

http://life.img.pravda.com/images/doc/6/4/64dc82e-1.jpg

Хто хоче жити, той повинен боротися, а хто не захоче чинити опір у цьому світі вічної боротьби — той не заслуговує права на життя.
Подякували: Chemist-i, 0x9111A, drWoZD, Torbins, dmyutro, Blast, Bartash, lUser, /KIT\9

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Re: Жарти англійською

http://blog.golubovsky.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/vul-valova.jpg

Подякували: leofun011

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Re: Жарти англійською

dmyutro
It`s example of simple transliteration, so it`s not funny.

Хто хоче жити, той повинен боротися, а хто не захоче чинити опір у цьому світі вічної боротьби — той не заслуговує права на життя.

15 Востаннє редагувалося Felis silvestris catus (02.06.2014 15:31:45)

Re: Жарти англійською

Трохи бородатий.

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both Male and female sometimes camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too

Consul: Man,......... isn' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh dear!
Arab : Deer No ,hole too high, run too fast!

Подякували: 0xDADA11C7, quez, an, lUser, /KIT\5

16

Re: Жарти англійською

Як слід робити анотацію англійською...
http://osidok.pp.ua/images/2014/06/04/lol.png

...
А інституту цього вже не існує... Цьогоріч мали випустити перший бакалаврат... :(
I belong to the Dead Generation.

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Re: Жарти англійською

Bartash написав:

Як слід робити анотацію англійською...
http://osidok.pp.ua/images/2014/06/04/lol.png

...
А інституту цього вже не існує... Цьогоріч мали випустити перший бакалаврат... :(

І смішно,і сумно   *SCRATCH*

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Re: Жарти англійською

Щось картинка здохла.

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Re: Жарти англійською

http://s7.hostingkartinok.com/uploads/images/2014/08/99008c076deb78e0665a82289b85853b.jpg

Психологічні бесіди з додатковою послугою промивання мізків. Недорого.
Не дизайню. Взагалі ні разу. У назві розділу "Дизайн та графіка" є слово "графіка" - ось тут трохи шарю. І не більше. Так, часто питають.
Продам гараж

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Re: Жарти англійською

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BxzttiGCYAEJjtD.jpg:large

Хто хоче жити, той повинен боротися, а хто не захоче чинити опір у цьому світі вічної боротьби — той не заслуговує права на життя.
Подякували: Arete, FakiNyan2